For Whom The Bell Tolls
by WhiteLadyDragon
Summary: Hell Kaiser knew that someday it would be time to go. But you didn't think he was WILLING to go, did you? SPECIAL GUEST! COMPLETED!
1. Part I

**_Disclaimer: _I deny any/ all possession of all characters featured in this segment. I rent them. **

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**Well, having been handed the knowledge that our favorite Kaiser is ill at heart and will possibly be pushing up daisies in the end, I have written this to help me cope. A little anticipatory grief, if you will. That is what some would call a "tragicomedy", one word. It's probably not the first of its kind around these parts, but these kind of stories are rare. **

**Be warned: I only know so much as what I've heard from others, so it may not be so accurate. Like I've said, I've got a queer sense of humor...**

**Oh, and we have a special guest, too! Who is he? Here's a hint: he's an unpleasant blast from the ancient past. Corny hint, yes, but simple enough, no? **

**And you may find most of the dialogue in italics. That's because they would be in the Spirit World...your voice would sound odd there, right? **

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**"_FOR WHOM THE BELL TOLLS" _**

Ah, Death...as intensely as everybody fears him, we all know that deep down, he'll come to visit us all, some time or another. All we can do is watch our back; survive, if you will. Live life out as long as we can, before the old Reaper comes to call and catches us in the dead end of the road.

Tragically, however, one kid found his dead end a little too soon.

It was a dreary Friday evening at Domino Hospital, and pouring buckets, almost as if the skies themselves were mourning. Of course, no day at the hospital ever goes by without at least one life being snatched up by the Reaper. Tonight, the unlucky one was to be found, lying in a comatose state within the bleak, ghostly walls of room 444.

In that bed lay a young man, whose real name had been forgotten, by the public, at least. Most just called him by the name he had given himself: "Hell Kaiser". At his side was a chair, on which his slick black coat was hung, perhaps never to be worn by another human being. His precious deck of Cyber Dragons sat undisturbed on a table, beside a vase of flowers. They had been a present...from all his grieving kin and familiars. All of whom, despite themselves, had to leave due to the shortness of visiting hours.

I'm not sure if it mattered that they had been there, though, since, being unconscious and all, he'd never acknowledge their presence.

When the clock struck 11: 00 that night...well, let's just say that _he _was to arrive. At the very second when the duelist's dilapidated heart would call it quits, and lay still in his ribcage. The monitor signaled this by drawing a thin, neon line and humming a single, lethal tone: _eeeeeeeeeeeeeee..._

Now, there are talltale signs that indicate when one's time is nigh. First and foremost, the atmosphere would become misty and deathly chilly, to the degree that the you'd lose sensation all over, and can actually see your final earthly breaths slip out through your nostrils...unless you've got your eyes shut, of course. At least, you'd no longer be in pain.

Second, the moment you lose your last breath, you might have a sense of weightlessness. That's because your soul would be drawn from your useless body by a mysterious, unexplainable force. But you wouldn't be quite there yet, because you'll still attached to the body by a fine, silver cord. This is what may be called "suspended animation", a brief state that serves as transition between living and dying.

That's where the Reaper comes in. His job is to sever the cord with his scythe, then to guide you into what we humans call "The Other Side".

Third, you'll find the room you'd be lying in gradually transforming into a sort of black tunnel, with a shimmering white dot at the distant end...that's "The Other Side". Somewhere in the mist, you'd see a lean, skeletal figure cloaked in black, with scythe in hand. That'd be the Reaper. He'd be creeping silently towards you like a phantom, his feet not even touching the ground, and his inhumanly violet eyes aglow...

As all of this took place, Kaiser suddenly felt...awake? In truth, he was in suspended animation, which means, as the name implies, awake, yet simultaneously...well, _not _awake. It's a tad confusing, I know. But that's how I can describe the state that Kaiser was in.

_"Wh-wha-?" _was all he could utter, as he was just opened his ill-shaded eyes like eroded sapphire. "_Where...am I? Why do I feel so...weird?" _In suspended animation, one doesn't have the slightest clue what's going on...that is, until the Reaper shows up.

Kaiser glanced all about the misty tunnel. Something was wrong; he didn't know exactly what that could be. But, there _had _to be something amiss, lest he wouldn't feel so strange.

He noticed the fine, silver cord floating from the center of his chest, where his heart would be positioned. _"What's this...?" _

That's when he discovered something else amiss, much more unnerving than this mysterious tunnel...for lying just under his levitating self, was his physical body, as stiff as a corpse.

_"No way! Is that...me?? Or is _this _me?? What's this cord for-?" _

_"Ahem! You don't get it, do you?" _snapped a new voice, gruff and foreboding. _"Stupid mortal..." _

_"Who's there?" _

Sure enough, there before Hell Kaiser stood a lean, skeletal figure, cloaked in sheer black and a scythe in one hand. The shadow of the stranger's hood kept his face concealed.

At this point, our soon-to-be-deceased hero was not frightened. No, he was more befuddled than anything else. _"This can't...possibly be real..." _

_"Tough granola, pathetic human! I don't think you know who I am. Allow me to introduce myself as-" _

The hooded one paused to pull back his hood-

_"The Grim Reaper! Messenger of Death and Misery! Death, mostly..." _

But here's a surprise: Kaiser did not find a skeleton under that cloak. Oh, no! In fact, this stranger had skin, pasty and wan. His unkempt mane was of a ghostly white, seemingly glowing in the darkness of the misty tunnel. He had eyes, but they weren't glowing amethyst. No, they were more of a sickly color of bile.

This, of course, only confounded the young one even further. _"Wait..._you're _the Grim Reaper? Correct me if I'm wrong, but I thought the Reaper was supposed to be...skeletal? You've got the ugly aspect down, though..." _Sadly, even in suspended animation, he was still the disrespectful guy everyone feared in the physical life.

_"Watch your mouth, mortal! It's not too late to change your resting place to the Shadow Realm! Although you're right about one thing, I'm not really the Reaper. My name's really Bakura...Messenger of Misery and Death, mostly Misery." _

Kaiser raised an eyebrow. _"Okay...but then where's the real Reaper?" _

_"I'm filling in for him. Had some business with another asshole human, who sold his soul to win all his duels. Almost like yourself." _

_"I never did that!" _

_"But that's beyond the point. Point is, your time has come. I came over to cut your cord and take you away. Too bad you had to go so early. Not that I care." _Bakura reached up to run a finger over the blade of the scythe.

Kaiser looked over his shoulder. Somewhere in the dark, he could make out the silhouette of a lifeless body lying underneath him. The other end of the cord was attached to the center of its chest.

_"What the...hell? Is that _ME?? _Or is this me?" _

The substitute Reaper rolled his eyes. _"No, that's your surrogate sister, Alexis Rhodes. Of course, that's you, fool! Your self-abused physical self, at least. That cord you were gawking at is what connects your soul to your body. But not for long...now, let's get this over with. I'm not getting paid to chat with clients." _

But you know us humans. It doesn't matter if you call yourself "goth" or "emo" or the like. Every human being clings to life, even when we anticipate its end. Hell Kaiser wasn't a full-fledged Goth nor Emo, contrary to popular belief. But still being human, well...

He was dying? Right now, right here?? Well, Kaiser always knew that it eventually come to this. Yet, somehow he didn't actually count on how soon. He gripped his cord with both hands.

_"Well, what if I don't want to go yet? I'm only nineteen, after all," _he said, trying his best to keep his composure stoic, despite the circumstances.

_"Hmph! Should've thought about that before you went on the shock therapy...although, I would normally applaud the usage of pain-inflicting devices. But that, too, is beyond the point! Now quit wasting my time and remove your hands, please! And hold still!" _

With that, Bakura took the scythe into both hands, raising it high over his head. Tongue protruding, he swung it back down.

And missed.

_"Wh-what the-?!" _

Kaiser had dashed off to the side, the intact cord still in his hands. He was always the type to hate surrendering to anyone, even Death.

_"Don't I get a say in this? Like I said, what if I don't want to go yet?" _

Bakura was beginning to lose patience, though I can't say he had much to begin with. He stamped his foot. _"What the hell do you mean, you don't want to go? You're so emo, I would've thought that you were expecting me-" _

_"How many times must I say it?! I'M NOT EMO!!" _

_"Oh, yeah? You get beat just once, and you let yourself go, body and mind? That's pathetic. Then again, that's what you humans are known best for. Sure, I never could beat the Pharoah, and did I let that break me?" _

Kaiser felt his his left eye twitch. Did this guy just call him pathetic? _"Well then, why are you a sub for the Grim Reaper?" _

_"What's that have to do with anything? I've been out of a job since the new guys took over the series, and--waaaiit, I understand now! You think you can stall me with idle chit-chat? Think you can escape me, Master of Death??" _

No reply. That could've been because while Bakura was pointing a finger, Kaiser had taken action. Just had to bend down and climb back into his body (yes, actually, you could do that, if you were quick and clever enough. Remember, you're not officially dead until your cord's been severed).

_"Looks like I've got a stubborn mortal here. Ah, well. I've got ways of dealing with those of the likes of you...you can't run away from Death. Diabound! Time to get to work!" _

* * *

It just so happened that not long after Hell Kaiser's heart stopped beating, doctors had rushed into room 444, trying to revive him. The head was just getting out the defibrillators (though ironically, electricity was what landed old Kaiser in the hospital), and was just about to apply them, when suddenly... 

"I'm alive!" the patient cried, throwing his hands in the air.

"Wow!" the medics gasped. "Are we good or what?"

"Thanks! Now outta my way!" Tossing the sheets over the team, he leapt out, grabbing his jacket and Cyber Dragon deck along the way. _ZOOM! _Off he went, almost like Shadow the Hedgehog.

The head doctor peeked out from under the bed sheets. "Hey, now! What about your bills?"

* * *

Out the automatic doors he sped, into the night. The rain was like thousands of fine needles pricking his bare skin, as he hastily slipped on his jacket. Conveniently, a burly stranger with tattoos of skulls and roses was just pulling up on a motorcycle. 

Perfect! "Hey! Hey, guy! Can you lend me your bike?"

"Peg yer pardon? I ain't givin' up my hog for some limp-wrist emo loser!"

"I AM NOT A FREAKING--I mean, how about if I gave you a fifty? No, a hundred? Two hundred?"

"Holy crap, that's more than what I make in a week! Go right ahead, sir!" Curteously, the biker stepped off, bowing down low and offering the keys.

"Yeah...thanks. Just take it!" Tossing the wrinkled, dripping bills, Kaiser seized the keys and mounted the bike, neglecting to wear a helmet, at that. Once again, just like Shadow the Hedgehog.

And just as he sped off, splashing a puddle into the tattooed one's face, he could've sworn that there was a menacing presence slithering up from behind, reeking of what smelt like both decaying flesh and dirty diapers.

**_TO BE CONTINUED..._**

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**_Sit tight, that's not the end. There's a part two to this, up next!_**


	2. Part II

**I deny any/ all possession of all characters featured in this segment. I rent them. **

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**Okay, here we go, onto the second part! Flame me, if you must. **

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At first, Hell Kaiser wasn't so sure where he was off to. At this point, all he was trying to do was shake Bakura off his backside. Perhaps he could drive out beyond Domino's city limits? Good start, no? So, that's what he did. 

Peeking over his shoulder, that menacing, reeking presence he had felt slithering closely behind had become visible...to him, at least. The "Grim Reaper" and his massive serpentine steed Diabound were there, but could only be seen, and smelt, by those who are their clients. Even if they don't want to be clients.

Anyhow, Diabound was gliding far overhead the skyscrapers, its scales reflecting the rain that bounced off it. A sneering Bakura was standing atop its humanoid head, as it was busy firing giant, fiery loogies at the back wheel.

"Oh, crap!" Desperately, Kaiser tried to veer to the left, then to the right, dipping through traffic and past terrified pedestrians. Why were they terrified? It was either because an maniacal "emo" duelist was joyriding on a motorcycle in the middle of the night, shouting profanities at some imaginary entity, or because there were crater-sized potholes mysteriously appearing on the street. A limo actually slipped into one when the driver became startled: a limo with the president of Kaiba Corp in it.

Ooh, when he peeped out from the open sunroof, he looked like steamed bok choy, only smarter! "Hey! Watch it, jackass! If anyone's king of the road here, it should be me! Wilson...I'm cutting your pay!"

"I beg your pardon, Mr. Kaiba?!"

Meanwhile...

"You'll never take me alive!" shouted Kaiser, as every runaway would say when they're being persued. I don't know why, but they all do. 

_"Excuse me, but why do you think I'm chasing after you, moron??" _the substitute shot back. _"Diabound! Seize him!" _

The demon did just that. Claws outstretched, it did a little loop-de-loop before swooping down. Why, Hell Kaiser could just feel its breath, reeking of rotten meat and soiled diapers, tossing about his sopping wet hair, heating the nape of his neck...

There was but one way to evade a demon so precariously close. And that would be to put on the brakes. Strange, yes? But it worked. Because when he made that complete, abrupt stop, Diabound missed him; it skimmed just over his rain-soaked head, while the odor of Death became more pungent.

How fortunate that Diabound could not brake on a dime. _"You fool! How the hell could you have missed-" _

_KA-BOOOOM!! _

Yes, in case you were wondering, demon and rider had just collided into a building; sped right through the middle and popped a giant hole, with debris falling from the sides. It was a Kaiba Corp office building, to be precise.

Which only infuriated the president in the trapped limo even further. He watched it from the sunroof, despite the rain flooding the interior, as his chauffeur was being forced to pull the vehicle out of the pothole.

"WAAAAHHH!! First I'm late to come home from work, and now my office has been obliterated?! That does it! I'm coming after...," Mr. Kaiba had to pause, to ponder over who was to blame here. It didn't take too long.

"Well, it had to be that emo kid on the bike! Emos are always trailing ruin behind them...plus they're complete pains in the ass! Wilson, I'm calling a spare limo! You just keep pulling this one out!"

Wilson only grunted...while wishing at the back of his head that God would just smite his boss already.

* * *

Soon, Kaiser came zipping down an alley, where he stopped once again. Panting and pushing his limp, dripping bangs out of his face, he allowed himself a second's worth of thought (it was sad, really, since he hadn't been thinking all that much since he started calling himself Hell Kaiser). 

"All right, I think I lost that psycho...for the moment. He and his giant reptile thing don't quit, do-?

"Wait a minute...why am I running away from them, exactly?" he wondered aloud. It was true, he had never been the type to go skipping off in the other direction whenever confronted, even long before he became Hell Kaiser. Now here he was, evading the "Grim Reaper" on a bike that he bought off from a random stranger. Kind of like a hedgehog when its in the same backyard with a cat. Or a fox. Or hedgehog-exterminating robots.

Most un-Kaiser-like, indeed...

He was thinking about that, himself. "What am I doing? I'm Hell Kaiser, damn it! I don't run, I fight! Running's just like respecting the opponent...only jellyfishes do it! I fight until the end...and come out victorious!!"

And it seemed that this probably was the end. Or was it...?

Suddenly, it dawned on old Kaiser. He knew just what to do. Although I doubt it was very smart.

* * *

_"Come on, you lousy snake! We couldn't have lost that mortal so easily!" _Bakura snapped, tapping an impatient foot atop the monster's brow. _"If my perfectionist boss finds out about this, there goes my job!" _

Diabound let out an earth-rumbling snarl, as if to retort, _"Oh gee, if you think you can do this so much better, then let me sit on top of your head. Then we'll talk!" _

He reached up to pinch the spot between his eyes, and took a deep breath. _"All right, think! Humans suck at hiding, so he couldn't have gone far. Plus, they stink when they're afraid, which would be virtually all the time. So, if we can just sniff him out-" _

"Looking for me?"

Demon and rider turned their heads, just in time to spot a young duelist clad in black, sitting on a motorcycle. He was scowling, just as he would with any regular opponent. Like anyone else he had ever faced: his teacher Sheppard, his old friend Atticus, his brother Syrus, and even Jaden Yuki and Aster Phoenix and Jesse Andersen, three of his old rivals (wow, quite a number of rivals, wouldn't you say?). It was the exact same scowl he had worn throughout his whole livelong career as a duelist.

_"Well, that was quick. Man, am I good!" _

Diabound only rolled his basketball-sized eyes.

_"So, have you returned to surrender your soul?" _

"The opposite. I'm not running from you anymore, Reaper! Or Bakura...augh, I don't give a crap! I'm challenging you to a duel, anyhow! You win, you can take me away. But if I win, you have to let me go! How about it?"

Bakura cracked something that looked like a smirk and a sneer at the time, a smeer, if you will._ "A duel? Hmm...it's been awhile since I engaged in one of those. All right, I accept your conditions. But just remember, little human: you're facing a master of ancient Dark magic. I'm from Egypt, you know; the birthplace of your silly, bastardized game-"_

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, can we just get this over with?" Hell Kaiser was never that interested in introductions.

Before Bakura could answer, a sleek, black limo came splashing up behind Kaiser, headlights glaring. The driver's seat tore open, and guess who stepped out?

"Hey, you! Emo kid! Stop right there!" Seto Kaiba pointed a denouncing finger at the one on the bike. On his right arm perched a duel disk.

"You can't see that I'm in the middle of something, old man? And for the umpteenth time...I AM _NOT _A FREAKING EMO!!"

"Old man?! You had me crash into a pothole, and then blew up my office, you son of a bitch!"

"I didn't do that! These guys did!" Hell Kaiser pointed at, what looked like to Kaiba, the thin air. The president of Kaiba Corp stared and stared, one eyebrow arched. Was this emo kid schizophrenic, too?

"Your imaginary friends blew up my office?? Hogwash!"

"No, seriously! You don't see them, right in front of you? The snake-thing's gotta be at least sixty feet long!"

Bakura shook his head. _"Terribly sorry, but I'm afraid the living can't sense us. Only clients can...that means you." _

Kaiser clenched his teeth, shaking a fist at the substitute Reaper. Kaiba mistook that as a threat for himself.

"You want me to have the police on you, kid? Because that can be arranged!"

Kaiser didn't have time for this. Hastily, he reached over, and yanked the disk clean off Mr. Kaiba's arm!

"HEY!! You touched my arm! My rich arm!"

"Screw you, old man! Reaper-guy, we're getting as far away from the city as possible! Follow me!" In a heartbeat, he was speeding off on the bike again. Why, he even rolled over the hood of the limo when he leaned back on the hind wheel! Imagine...!

Kaiba just stood there, mouth half-gaped, as Bakura and Diabound silently took flight over the rooftops.

Ten seconds later...

"THAT DOES IT! GET YOUR CRAZY EMO ASS BACK HERE!!"

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**_Remember when I said there were two parts? I'm sorry, it's got THREE parts now! Soooo...stay tuned! _**


	3. Part III

**_Disclaimer:_ Everything you see here, characters and monsters, are not my own. I rented them. **

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**Kaiseress, hello! It's been so long! Glad you think it's weird. I hear that weird is good.** **Would you be mad if I said I kind of based this after "Dream", only without Royalshipping? **

**Anyways, onto the thrilling conclusion (or stupid conclusion, depends on how you look at it)! **

* * *

It was a little past midnight when the lot finally reached city limits. Hell Kaiser parked just under the sign, while Bakura stayed mounted on Diabound, hovering overhead. 

_"You know, I could've just teleported us out here," _Bakura said, twirling the handle of the scythe between his fingers. _"To save time." _

"I knew that. I just didn't trust you. You're after my soul, for Pete's sake."

_"Mmm...you're a little more intelligent than I estimated. For a human, at least." _

Kaiser pulled out his deck, sliding it into the stolen disk. "Well? Are we gonna duel, or have tea?"

Bakura shook his head. _"Oh, we don't need one of those puny machines, how we're doing this. Observe." _Cracking his knuckles, he grasped the handle of the scythe. He rolled it in between his palms on the serpent's crown, kind of like when a Boy Scout tries to start a fire with sticks and rocks.

In a second, the friction released an itty-bitty magenta spark. Kaiser and the substitute Reaper watched it plummet to the ground. The instant it kissed the road, a miracle occured! Well, it wasn't a miracle, really. What happened was that when the spark landed, a giant, ghostly bubble was arising from underground, black with tinges of deep purple. In fact, it looked like an ugly, bruised bubble.

"I stole that duel disk for nothing? And what's all this?"

_"Simple. If I'm going to duel you for your soul, then we're going to do this my way...pathetic mortal, welcome to the Shadow Realm!" _Diabound hissed with glee, as the Shadow Realm was its birthplace.

_"So, are you frightened? Frightened to the degree that you want to soil yourself, or say, surrender? Look, you are shivering." _

Kaiser did feel a shiver or two creep down his backbone. But that wasn't from fear. That deathly chill in the atmosphere was returning, was all. He could actually see his breath drifting out from his nostrils in wispy clouds, like smoke through a dragon's snout.

"Wh-wh-why the h-h-hell is it so c-c-c-cold in h-here? Y-you c-c-can't t-t-turn up the th-th-thermostat?" He pulled his jacket tighter over himself for warmth. He didn't mind regular cold. But this was rediculous!

_"Aaaap! Get used to it, you'll be floating around in it throughout eternity, after all. Besides, the thermostat of the Shadow Realm cannot be touched by dirty mortal fingers! Only the Dark Lord Zork may caress it!" _

Kaiser didn't even want to know who this Zork character was. "Fine. Let's get on with it, then. But if we don't use duel disks, then how are-"

_"Like this! Diabound, I choose you!" _Bakura leapt off his creature lickety-split, made a 360-degree spin in mid-air, then came to a graceful cat-like landing on his feet. Diabound held up a slate with the number nine point nine carved into it.

_"You see, mortal, when you duel in the Shadow Realm, the monsters...are alive and breathing! All you have to do here is hold up a card, call out their names, and by the magic wonder of Zork, they shall become real! _

_"Now, you choose a monster to fight Diabound with. Any one from your deck." _

Alive and breathing monsters?? Well! This already sounded like bumpkus! But our hero either went along with the game, or he'd kiss his soul sayonara.

"Any one I choose?"

_"Yeah, yeah, any one! Just pick one already, while the night's still young!" _

Kaiser gave a searching shuffle through his deck, and came across...Cyber End Dragon! Oh, the countless adventures he had had with this gem-studded metallic beauty! Right back from when he was a wee nine-year-old whelp in Sheppard's dojo! The laughs (there was a time when he could spare a chuckle, you know), the tears (if you don't cry, you're not human), the victories (which were many), and the defeats (which were seldom, but were somewhat the root to this pickle he was in)! He still kept his old friend even after he seized the Cyber Tail deck. It only seemed fitting that these two would fight side-by-side, one last time...

"Can it be a Fusion-beast?"

_"Oh, for crying out- yes, it can be! Just call out the material-monsters, and chant, 'Let X be one!' "_

" 'X'?"

_"What, they didn't teach you algebra in that dumb old school of Kaiba's? Yes, 'X'! The variable representing how many monsters you're fusing! In other words, say 'Let two be one', or 'Let three be one'! Jesus Christ!" _Bakura lived to regret saying that last part later on.

But anyways, Hell Kaiser took a deep breath. "That's it, huh? Ooo-kay...Cyber Dragons! Let three be one, let three be one, LET THREE BE ONE!" Before his eyes, the three hissing spirits of his Cyber Dragons entwined with one another, creating a brilliant white light that even Bakura and Diabound couldn't stand. They made that clear when the serpent made a sound barrier-shattering howl, and his master shielded his eyes.

When the light finally faded, there stood Cyber End, in all its glistening power and majesty, its three heads held high! It looked like our hero had this in the bag! Not for too long, though...

"HA! Looks like your snake can't stand the heat! I knew I had nothing to worry about! Cyber End, take out these losers!"

Nothing.

"Hey...um, Cyber End? Did you hear me? I said take them out!"

Still nothing.

"Hellooooo! Are you deaf?! I command you to-"

Before he could finish, Cyber End turned around to stare him down. Two of its heads snarled, while the one in the middle leaned over to Kaiser's level. With all the vehemence it could muster, it screamed in his face: _"I heard you the first time, bitch!!" _

This, of course, had Kaiser flying off his feet, his hair moist with Cyber saliva. Since he had the wind knocked out of him, he was speechless. All he could do was pass Cyber End a wide-eyed look that said, "What did you just-!?"

Bakura shrugged. _"I told you the monsters are alive." _

The Dragon was only getting started: _"Damnit, you didn't even say please! You've NEVER said please! I bust my tail to win you all those freaking duels, to earn you the title Kaiser, and not once have I even heard a thank-you!! The Yuki kid thanks HIS monsters!" _

The head on the left added, _"And he's as intelligent as a chimpanzee! That Andersen brat treats HIS monsters like his own flesh and blood! What am I to YOU, your whore?!" _

_"And don't think I'm over what you said back in the dojo, either!" _That was the head on the right. _"Screaming for mercy...phooey! Blow me to pieces so you can ask those Cyber Tail boys to become your new prostitutes?? Are you never satisfied?!" _

Back to the middle: _"Truth is, you'd be a complete loser without me! Without any of us Cybers! But hey, you think so high-and-mighty of yourself, so I guess you don't need me anymore! Boys, we're getting the hell outta here!" _

Boy, you wouldn't believe what happened next; the whole gang of Cybers sprang in a circle around Kaiser: from the three Cyber Dragon triplets, to the Chimeratech Over Dragon, to the Cyber Dark Dragon, and everybody in between. Yes, even the Tail creatures were out...and they, too, were not pleased. Probably because they had been referred to as prostitutes.

_"I helped salvage your career! Didn't even get a thanks for that!" _roared Chimeratech.

_"You used us to try to slay your little brother!" _screeched Cyber Keel, Horn, and Keel.

_"We all saw potential in you, not just as a duelist, but as a friend. But don't worry: we'll let the weird-o over there take care of you. You're not worth our strength. We can always kill the disappointment with a little doobie and Duel Monster porn!" _

The gang cheered at the thought of watching Dark Magician plow the living daylights out of Dark Magician Girl. With that, they turned to slither and/or float away.

Just realizing what was happening, Hell Kaiser tried to run after them. "Wait! Come back, damnit! You can't leave me here with this psycho! You're my monsters! After all we've been through! I OWN you!" That may not have been the right thing to say.

Cyber End turned its three heads around. _"Suck my tail, emo bitch!" _

_"Suck it hard..." _

_"And suck it long!" _

That was it. They were all gone. This time, Hell Kaiser was alone, to the degree where it truly affected him in the emotional sense. Even his greatest monster called him emo. A slap in the face, I say.

Bakura had been watching all of this, leaning against Diabound. _"Ouch...I almost feel sorry for you. But, since you have no monsters to fight me with, I guess I win by default! I really am good!" _

Once again, Diabound rolled its eyes.

He got his scythe ready in both hands. _"Maggot, stop trying to fight and accept your fate. Dying is what your kind does best, isn't it? Hand your soul over!" _

This could not be happening! He never even got a chance to duel, for the love of Lou! It couldn't end like this, it just couldn't! But before he could protest, Bakura slashed through the chilly atmosphere. In an instant, Kaiser felt as though all the muscle in his body was being stripped off him. Losing sensation in all his extremities, he collapsed on his knees.

Bakura was yanking his soul out of his body!

_"Finally! Now, to cut your blasted cord and get this over with!" _

As the substitute Reaper came creeping overhead, the hero collected all the fast-fleeing strength there was to collect...into his fist. He wasn't losing yet; he was going to win up on top, with or without his Dragons! He waited until Bakura got close, then...

_WHAM! _Right in the crotch!

He let out a howl of agony, dropping the scythe in the process. And in dropping it, releasing his grip on Kaiser, plus popping the bubble that was the Shadow Realm. He didn't waste any time grabbing the ancient artifact and tripping up his enemy with it.

Up on his feet, Kaiser aimed the blade at Bakura, his face cracked into a deranged sneer. "Who's the maggot now, psycho? Huh? Huh?? Who's the maggot?!"

The fallen one scooted on his tush on the cold, damp road. _"Hey! Wh-what are you doing?! Put that down this instant! Humans aren't allowed to fool with it! Diabound, get the scythe!" _

Diabound was going to do just that, when Kaiser quick gripped the hood of Bakura's cloak, the sharp edge just barely grazing the substitute's neck. "Don't move! Or the psycho gets it!"

_"You're calling ME psycho?!" _

Suddenly, a sleek black limo came zipping through the pouring rain, accompanied by two squad cars. I don't have to tell you who was in the limo, do I? They came to a squealing halt, and at least a dozen and a half cops came rushing out of the windows with tranquilizer guns.

The Kaiba Corp president peeped out from the sunroof. "There he is! That crazy emo kid! Prepare to fire!"

It was then, I am sorry to report, that that comment only fueled the madness that had been piling up in the confides of Kaiser's brain. Actually, that'd been piling up for awhile, but tonight must've delivered the pot-bellied portion that brought it on home.

"**STOP CALLING ME EMO!! **Goddamn, does that just slip through one lobe and out the other with you people, or what?! If I was emo, why am I holding the Reaper's scythe and threatening to chop his head off!" (Of course, no one could see anything except a ranting maniacal kid clad in black.)

"I'm no emo! I am Hell Kaiser! I can triumph over anyone, even Death! You hear that, Cyber End?? I didn't need you after all! Suck _my _tail!!" Without sparing a moment's worth a thought, he held the scythe over his head, like a blood-drunk Spartan with his spear.

Those were his last words, at that. See, there's a reason humans can't play with the scythe. Every time one has been unfortunate enough to thrust it high into the sky, particularly during a rainstorm...they get struck with a lightning bolt. Scythes make relatively nice lightning rods, especially one as supernaturally mighty, and unpredictable, as the Reaper's. If you'd ever get electrocuted holding that weapon, anything can happen. It ranges from total obliteration of your existance, to being warped into a parallel dimension.

That is what became of Kaiser, in the end: a fat, white-hot lightning bolt cracked the sky in two, slithering down the handle and into his nervous system. How very ironic: after all this time abusing himself with electricity, he would ultimately be done away by it, as well.

**"YIIIAAAAAHHHH!!" **His scream could've been heard for miles. The lot shielded their eyes from the overwhelming flash.

_POOF! _

Gone. Nothing left but a spot of cinders where his feet were planted.

"H-Hey! Where'd he go?" demanded Kaiba.

Bakura, on the other hand, took his finger and ran it through the cinders. His undead heart ceased to beat. Diabound whimpered, knowing exactly what his master was thinking before he said it:

_"Diabound? Our asses are as good as fried..."_

**_FIN (okay, not yet)_**

* * *

**_Aren't I just the worst? Just like what the guy from "Countdown" would say: "I'm today's worst...person...in-the-wooorrrllld!" But, I feel a sense of peacefulness now...as well as sadness._**

"I'll say...bipolar wacko. You might want to change the rating for your crude humor."

**_Shut up, Dragon! _**

"I thought you liked Kaiser? Ah, well...good riddance."

**_Well, that's supposed to be the end, but I think I'll add an epilouge. Seems appropriate, no? _**


	4. Epilogue

**_Disclaimer:_ Everything you see here, characters and monsters, are not my own. I rented them. **

* * *

**Ahem...and now, the epilogue. **

* * *

So...are you wondering what ensued after that fateful night? 

Well, Seto Kaiba was not delighted with the fact that the top floors of his office had been mysteriously detonated. He had to surrender four million dollars and three quarters to have the entire building renovated...and that's not including the money that he lost after the tidal wave of lawsuits filed by his employees for their various injuries/ losses.

By the time that was all over with, the company was barely hovering above bankruptcy (his bank account did have a limit on it, contrary to popular belief). Just to save what little he had left, people were getting laid off left and right so he wouldn't have to pay them.

His little brother tried to pitch in by selling...macreme pot holders with Duel Monsters on them, all of which he had done himself. And when Kaiba discovered them, he was immediately struck with the phobia that Mokuba could be turning gay. Thus, he tossed him into therapy, which of course, costs money. So, he only made himself even more broke...not to mention, extremely prejudiced to emos. Another dueling company, the Princeton boys, took this as an oppurtunity to move right in.

Those were dark days for duelists all across the land.

And that indignant chauffeur, Wilson? Er...let's just say that in order to get even with his boss, he sort of squealed to the Princetons about Kaiba Corp's secret behind world domination. He's doing thirty years' worth of time, along with hundreds of other Kaiba Corp ex-employees.

* * *

The Cyber Dragons and the Tail Dragons returned to their home in the Tibetan mountains. To this day they are passing the time laying around, inhaling doobie (Cyber End was the most stoned, since he was the most pissed) and viewing Duel Monster porn through a fuzzy eighteen-inch screen, with the occasional blasting of old classic rock. 

They threw Sheppard out the window when he visited the dojo and became overwhelmed by the smell of doobie.

_"You ain't our pimp anymore, old man!" _It was made as clear as crystal: no selfish human being would ever use them for the gain of reputation among their peers again. In fact, they vowed never to be "prostitutes" for anyone, period.

* * *

The Domino hospital never did get its pay for keeping Hell Kaiser in it. So, they're billing his family. Old Mrs. Truesdale was not pleased with this. I mean, really, how could they think about their money, when her sick elder son had vanished?? 

She is strongly considering a lawsuit against them, for malpractice. They were supposed to tend to him, after all.

* * *

The biker from whom he had gotten the motorcycle? Without his wheels, he plodded through the slippery streets...and bumped into a limp old hobo with an patch over his right eye. 

The stanger spotted the two hundred bucks clutched in his fists, and made him an offer: he was going to open a line of men's hair salons, and asked if he would invest in the business. After two minutes, the biker agreed to pass the two hundred over.

Today, this line of salons is called Ganymede's Pride, and turned out to be so successful, the biker became wealthy enough to own _twelve _motorcycles, and then some. Imagine! Kaiser helped someone get rich!

* * *

The morning after that rainy evening, Bakura and Diabound had been called to stand before their Boss up in Heaven. As Bakura had predicted, He chewed their tushies out senseless. 

_"I can't believe you! Causing a ruckus out in the streets, destroying an office building that had innocent civilians in it, using your Shadow magic when I explicitly forbade it, allowing a client to obliterate himself with the scythe, calling Me PERFECTIONIST, and using My boy's name in vain!!" _

Bakura slammed his fists on the holy Office Desk. _"How the hell is that my fault?! That blowhard son of a bitch wouldn't keep still! Did you want me to let 'im get away? Huh? Let the bugger prance around a while longer?? And how would you know, you don't even have a face! You're just a giant ball of light!" _

_"Don't you use that tone with Me! Bakura, you're fired! F-I-R-E-D!! You, and Diabound, pack up your cubicle!" _

The disgruntled one only had this to say: _"WHAAAT?! But this job's my only source for Zork's rent money! They're not gonna let me back on the show!" _

_"Hmph! Should've thought about that before you popped holes in the road!" _

_"Well, at least I didn't have my illegitimate son by a teenage skank!" _

Ooh, I think that one struck a nerve. Before it hit him, Bakura and his serpent were cascading through a trap door buried in the cloud they were standing on. Ever after, the two have had to get separate jobs to make ends meet. Diabound currently serves as a maid/ steed for that old sloth Satan. It was quite demeaning...not to mention back-breaking. Evil is not just a spiritual burden, you know. At the end of the day, the poor thing looked more like a sausage than a demon.

Bakura? His alternative wasn't much better: he resorted to posing in naughty photos in Playgirl magazine, which is like Playboy, only not so popular, which is why you've probably never heard of it. Fangirls subscribe to it exclusively. In truth, he hated defiling himself for the thrill of women. But what else _was _there to do? The show had absolutely refused to have him back. There hasn't been one day since, when he could even take a pee without a lady waiting for him in the stall.

Oh, God hired a new guy to take over as the Reaper. This one was Egyptian, with the unruly mane of a lion and slight problems with eye spasms. His name is Marik. Marik the Maniac.

* * *

And what became of our fallen hero? It brings me great pain to report that no one ever saw Hell Kaiser again: not his family, not his friends, and certainly not his hoard of fangirls. Those ladies actually went out of their way to organize a raid/ search party all across Domino, then across the whole country of Japan. It lasted for a merciless six and a half weeks, and they didn't even find a strand of his lovely teal hair. 

He was gone, but certainly not forgotten. The town even took his birthday and turned it into a holiday (it was mostly the women's idea, and Atticus's). They're calling it Hell Kaiser Day, and on that day, every year, everyone would be in tears...even the ones who weren't all that fond of him.

Can I let you in on a secret, though? Remember when I said _anything_ can happen when you're holding the scythe, and you get electrocuted? Yes, if I've left you believing that his existence had been annihilated, my apologies. That's not what happened.

No, no, here's what _really_ happened: Kaiser awoke after, say, fifteen minutes after the lightning bolt thing. He rubbed his forehead. "Ohh, man...what happened?" He felt numb; perhaps he was finally dead?

Once things came into focus, he glanced up and down, left and right. Something was wrong. Where was Domino? And if he was truly dead, where was Heaven? He was lying on a sidewalk, and the surroundings appeared to be a city like Domino...expect all the cars were hovering by on roads up in the sky.

Had he fallen into some city in the future?! "Hey...what is this place?" That's when he noticed a sign, reading, _"Welcome To Mobius!" _

"Mobius?! Where the hell is that??" He was about to scramble to his feet, when a blue, quilly blur came zipping past at what had to be the speed of sound! The wind was enough to push him back down.

"Sorry, dude!" he called. "Didn't mean to knock you down!"

"Sonic! Wait up! I got a present for you!" squealed another blur, only this one was a hearty pink. She actually had the nerve to trample over Kaiser's stomach on her pursuit!

"Amy, please! Now's not the time!"

_"OOF!" _

Oh, wait, there was more: a white bat with unusually large breasts soared just over his head. "Aw, nuts!"

_Clonk! _

"OW!" Something smooth, rouch, and cold had bonked him on the head. It landed on his lap.

"Damnit, what the-" Kaiser picked up the object. It seemed to be a sort of basketball-sized, brilliant green..._emerald!? _

_BANG! BANG, BANG! _"Gimme back my Emerald, you two-faced bitch! How dare you get me drunk for this!!" A snarling red echidna in dreadlocks and enormous mittens drove straight for Kaiser, bearing a rifle!

Well, if you were in this position, what would you had done? That's what I thought...

Kaiser dropped the jewel. _"WAAAHH!!" _He took off like a rocket...and conveniently found another motorcycle parked on the curb. And what do you know? The keys were in the ignition!

He slung a leg over the seat, and started the engine. _VRROOOM! _Just when a black and red hedgehog was strolling out with a bag of groceries in his arm. But right when he saw his bike being jacked, he dropped the contents.

The hedgehog shook a fist. "Whoa, there! Where ya going with my bike, emo?! I knew I shouldn't have left my key in there!" Before long, the mighty Hell Kaiser was now gliding down the sidewalk on a bike, persued by a band of mad talking animals. Oh, and he ran over a little, spotty floppy-eared bunny, while he was at it. Hit-and-run. Seeing the puddle of bunny on the concrete only provoked the beasts even further.

As the bullets barely grazed his cheeks, he thought to himself: _Maybe I should've just went along with it and died, instead..._

Who knows, maybe he's still riding.

**_FIN!_**

* * *

**_I didn't offend anyone with this, did I? That thing Bakura said about Jesus and Mary...yeah, that did NOT come from me. Bakura said it. If I said that and meant it, that would be blasphemy. _**

**_Anyways, that's it for this tragicomedy. Personally, I think the ending was dumb. But then, this is a parody, it's supposed to be stupid. _**

"In that case, you'd better be expecting these girls to organize a girl-hunt for you. They'll have you burned at the stake for smiting their sex god."


End file.
